Gimme A Head With Hair

Submitted By: Tim Knox

A man's hair are certainly one of his best assets and a matter of pride. For many their loss can cause depression and anxiety that must be taken care of by an expert psychotherapist - or better still by a sports car!

My old pal, Steve, called today, sounding all down in the dumps. "My hair's falling out," Steve said sadly. "So I called my doctor to see if he could give me something to keep it in."

"What did he recommend?" I asked. To which Steve replied, "He said to just use a box."

Poor Steve, like so many other follicly-challenged men his age, he sees the final parting of his hair as a sign that his life is all but over. "It's all downhill from here, man," Steve moaned. "You know how it works. First, you lose your hair, then your teeth, then your bladder control! I might as well go out right now and buy a box of Depends because I'll need them by the weekend!"

"Come on, Steve," I said. "You're being ridiculous." (Mental note: Next time Steve comes to the house, keep him off the new couch.)

When Steve and I were younger, hair was the least of our worries. We came of age in the late '70's, a time when men were men and women were scarce and hair was something we all had plenty of. This was an era influenced by Keith Partridge and Tony Orlando and Grand Funk Railroad and The Bee Gees, who, between them, laid claim to approximately 17% of the world's known hair. Steve and I shared 3%, and the remaining 80% was doled out to everybody else, with most of it going to the inhabitants of the isle of Samoa.

While Steve's coiffure was inspired by the "Elvis Live From Hawaii" poster he had hanging in his room, I sported the official do of the day. My hair was parted perfectly down the middle with microscopic precision, layered back in wings, and hanging down to my shoulders. Styling such a head of hair was a highly technical operation, requiring a steady hand, a keen eye, a stout comb (I used one of those big honkers with a clenched fist on the handle), and sixteen cans of hairspray. I averaged burning up one hair dryer every six days and used so much hairspray that the ozone layer still sends me hate mail. But boy, did I look cool, or at least I thought so at the time. I look back at my 1978 graduation picture now and wonder, "What the hell was I thinking?" I looked like Marlo Thomas after a bad peroxide rinse.

I still have a full head of hair, but I wear it short these days so I don't have to do much to it. Low maintenance hair, my wife calls it. It's not that I've grown lazy. It's that, once the affects of all that hairspray finally wore off, I realized that I only have so much time on earth and spending 1/4 of it with a blow dryer in one hand and a roll brush in the other seemed like an awful waste. But even though I'm not losing my hair, I feel for Steve and other men who are. After all, they are my brothers and I feel their pain. Actually, I'm sitting here with my thumbs in my ears, wiggling my fingers, sticking out my tongue and singing, "Na-a- na- na- na!" I'm sympathetic to your plight, my bald brothers, but in a "better you than me" kind of way. Sorry.

I did my best to make Steve feel better (I felt bad after calling him, "Curly.") I explained that his hair abandoning his head was nothing personal. That's just the way hair works. A man's hair is like a Michigan retiree. It spends forty years working for you atop your head, then, when it's old and tired, it pulls up stakes and heads south, setting up little hair retirement communities all along the way. They sprout up in a man's ears, in his nose, in his eyebrows, all over his back. And I don't even want to talk about those hairy, little buggers that settle in what would be considered the biological equivalent of Miami Beach. There are just some things best left undescribed.

My conversation with Steve did make me wonder how I'll react when my hair finally decides to go. I contacted my friend and well-known haircare expert, Dr. Beechwood A. Jing, Professor Emiritis of the South Hampton Institute of Technology's Hammond-Eggar Anthropological Department, to ask why men are so attached to their hair, especially after it's no longer attached to them.

"Hair to a man is like tail feathers to a peacock," Dr. Jing wisely explained. "A man's hair helps define him as an individual and plays a tremendous part in establishing his sexual identity. Therefore, in a man's eyes, when his hair goes, so goes his manhood. Like a plucked peacock, he may experience a dramatic loss of self-worth and self-confidence, especially where the opposite sex is concerned. Such feelings of inadequacy can lead to deep depression, bouts of paranoia, periods of anti-social behavior, a lifetime membership in the Hair Club For Men - all sorts of horrible things!"

"Dr. Jing, what can a man do to work through these feelings of inadequacy?" I asked.

"They should seek out a licensed psychotherapist to help guide them through recovery," Dr. Jing concluded. "Or they could just take all their money and buy themselves a new Porsche. Nothing diverts attention from a cue ball head like an expensive, German sports car."

Great advice, Doc. I can't wait to tell Curly -- I mean, Steve

Keep Your Head Above Water

Submitted By: BOB E SHERMAN

Most boaters know the difference between WMDs (weapons of mass destruction) and MSDs (marine sanitation devices). Congress on the other hand seems to spend as much time regulating MSDs as they do looking for WMDs. A recent article in BoatU.S. Magazine suggests that “the universal pumpout symbol is not generally recognized by boaters.” This may be because there aren’t that many of these signs and many of the signs are in front of pumpout stations that don’t work. I visited the website: marinepumpouts.com and found that there were no listings for Florida. Obviously, there are some in Florida and the website needs to be updated.

As a past member of the Hallandale Beach Marine Advisory Committee, I was privy to the plans for the new city marina. The plans called for a pumpout station located in an inaccessible corner of a dead end canal. I suggested a more accessible location. The city representative was shocked and stated “Then, everyone would use it.” I was stupefied. The marina is still not built and may never be, as the permits are stuck in a bureaucratic quagmire; much of it over sea grass or some other fish and wildlife issue.

There are about 13 million boats in the USA. This translates to at least 30 million boaters. Shouldn’t we humans get our own department? The Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) regulates many boating issues. However, the FWS is only concerned about Fish and Wildlife. Truth be known they would probably be happy if there were no boats to mess up their environment. If the Fish and Wildlife folks are really concerned about the water quality, whatever their motive is, then there should be no marina that does not have a working pumpout facility.

My condo marina does not have a pumpout facility. Several years ago, I was falsely accused of “dumping my head” at the marina. The dockmaster, who didn’t like me, had led the condo board astray. Most of the board had never even visited the marina, let alone knew what an MSD was. Without any evidence to support the allegations, the manager sent out a certified letter informing me that I had violated several sections of the condo documents, Florida Statutes, Federal EPA regulations and the RICO Act. One of the board members approached me several weeks later and said that he had read the reports and didn’t understand why I would “stick my head in the water” at the marina. He now knows the difference between my head and a marine head.

It is legal to dump your head in the ocean if you are at least three miles from shore. The Florida Keys are an exception. The Keys are a No Discharge Zone. On a trip with my yacht club several years ago to Key West we could not find a functioning pumpout at any of the marinas we visited. When we arrived at Key West, we were all able to pumpout with the city’s mobile pumpout boat. The Galleon, an otherwise beautiful marina, had no pumpout and the marina next door had one that didn’t work.

I think it’s about time to revive CEPTIA, the Committee to End Pay Toilets In America. In the mid 70’s, CEPTIA was successful in banning pay toilets in Florida and many other states in the USA.

As CEPTIA is probably defunct, I propose a new organization to be called CRAP, the Committee for Readily Accessible Pumpouts. I call on all boaters to support CRAP. Write your representatives and demand that they listen to our CRAP. We want free pumpouts at all marinas. We will also lobby for cheaper biodegradable toilet paper. If the Federal Government can subsidize farmers, why not toilet paper? I’m sure you can imagine life without summer squash. But, can you imagine life without toilet paper? It’s about time for all boaters to get off the pot and take action. I also call on the eight million RV owners to support CRAP as they face some of the same issues.

If you would like to join the grass roots movement and support CRAP, contact the author. Sheryl Crow’s recommendation to use one sheet is not the answer to this problem. We need free pumpouts and cheap paper.

5 Countries Where Marijuana is Legal (Almost!)

Submitted By: Robert Kane

Marijuana users have always sought legal loopholes in countries where it is illegal to own or smoke it. Many people choose to buy marijuana seeds (which is legal in many places), then grow and smoke their own (which is not!) But every marijuana smoker has probably dreamed at one point or another of living in a country where marijuana is legal – or at least where the “rules” concerning possession are so lax that it is effectively legal.

Most people know about Holland’s famously relaxed laws regarding marijuana (which is why it doesn’t feature on the list below!) While no other country has achieved such high profile recognition for making marijuana legal, a number of places around the world have quietly relaxed their laws concerning possession for personal use. In most of these countries, possession still remains technically illegal, but penalties are not enforced if you are within certain guidelines – this is known as decriminalisation.

So, if living in a country where marijuana possession isn’t punished by the law sounds like heaven, here are five places you should consider emigrating!

Argentina

After a recent court debate about whether or not to punish those who buy and grow marijuana, Argentina has effectively made marijuana legal if it is in small quantities for personal use. A leading judge in Argentina even decided that it was “unconstitutional” to legislate against marijuana possession! Those who buy marijuana seeds and grow their own are also leniently treated, so long as they are growing a small number of plants. The country is also notably supportive of several medical marijuana programs.

Australia

Before you go booking a one way ticket to Sydney, make sure you do your research. Different regions have different rules, but Western Australia, Southern Australia, Tasmania, Victoria and Queensland have all decriminalised marijuana to a certain degree. In Tasmania, Victoria and Queensland, police have taken to “ticketing” those caught with less than 50 grams of marijuana rather than arresting them, and Western and Southern Australia have instituted on the spot fines for minor possession rather than official warnings or arrests.

Belgium

Since 2003, the Belgian government has made the possession and use of marijuana legal under the following conditions:

• The amount possessed is 5 grams or less
• You are over 18
• You do not smoke in the presence of minors
• You do not smoke in public

You can buy marijuana seeds and grow them in Belgium without penalty – however, you are only allowed to own one female plant. The purchase and sale of marijuana is still illegal, but most Belgians simply get their marijuana in Holland.

Colombia

Colombia, has had relaxed laws concerning drug possession for over ten years. Possession of less than 20 grams of marijuana, one gram of cocaine and one gram of heroin is not considered to be illegal, although things may change – recent conservative governments have considered repealing this law to combat Colombia’s drug culture.

Nepal

Unlike the other countries on this list, Nepal doesn’t have an actual decriminalisation policy towards marijuana – it’s rather that the laws they have are hardly ever enforced! Marijuana used to be legal in Nepal, making it a hippy Mecca in the 1960’s and early 70’s. It has been illegal since 1973 – not that you’d notice. Marijuana is widely available and used, especially by Nepalese holy men. Note that smuggling and growing are punished, but possession and personal use rarely are – if the police catch you smoking they will stop you, but only to collect a small bribe!

Things You Should Never Do in Front of a CCTV Security Camera

Submitted By: Nahshon Roberts What do you do when confronted with the sight of a CCTV security camera? Do you go on as if it is a speck on the wall worthy of your attention as a, well, speck on the wall? Do you ponder it for a moment, wonder who is watching you watching him and then wander somewhere else with nary a second glance? Whatever you do, never ever do these things if you value your sanity, your dignity, your levity, and most important, your life. (Unless of course, you are inside Big Brother’s house relishing the presence of 24/7 surveillance cameras and losing all of the above will get you noticed by TV viewers, in which case, this could be turned into “Things You Must Do To Win the Grand Prize”) Make Funny Faces With your face so near the CCTV security camera your nose hairs are visible from the security monitor, at that. If you think the security personnel will be amused with the sight of your scrunched-up, cross-eyed, wrinkled-nose, tongue-out face, you have another fist coming. Did I say fist? I meant think. And even if the fist does not come, you will be certainly marked for life as easily as if a fist has broken your wrinkled nose and set it straight. Or whatever. You know what I mean. Do a Striptease Well, your male viewers will enjoy the show. Maybe they will sit back, prop their feet on the security console, relax and drink beer. After all, your performance might rival Big Brother 9 Natalie’s striptease only better because they have exclusive viewing options. Maybe, they will zoom the CCTV security camera on your lady parts for a better view. Yum yum. Then again, do you really want to be slapped on with handcuffs after the show? Or even clothed again, only with a straightjacket? And did you know footages from the CCTV security camera can be rewound again and again and again for your fans’ perverted pleasure? Rant and Rave You will get nowhere on ranting and raving unless you and your viewers either know sign language or adept at charades or proficient in lip reading. You never know if the CCTV security camera can capture your here-comes-the-four-horsemen-of-the-Apocalypse voice! Why? Simply because not all CCTV systems are sophisticated enough to capture sound and even if they do, they would run into trouble with the law. Another impertinent why? Well, because in many states, sound recordings taken off video cameras are inadmissible in a court of law unless you are the law itself. If you really want to tell your boss to go (insert vulgar euphemism of choice for intimate relations) with himself, you are better off telling him to his face. Get inspiration on how to do it from Wesley Gibson of “Wanted” fame. And three million dollars in the bank should help with the self-confidence. The list goes on and on – give the dirty finger, show your shiny-as-a-baby’s-head butt, simulate masturbation and sex, and flaunt what should best be hidden for the sake of the viewers’ sanity, to name a few - but these three are the worst things you can do in front of a CCTV security camera.

Book Review: Embracing Your Big Fat Ass - An Owners Manual by Laura Banks and Janette Barber

Submitted By: Simon Barrett

When I glanced at the cover, I mistakenly assumed this was going to be some kind of self help and diet book. A writing genre that induces a comatose state in me after page 2!

I was completely off base, Embracing Your Big Fat Ass is a wonderfully funny look at the how we perceive that others might view our ’sitting muscle’. Both authors are to be congratulated in producing such a witty dialog. Both are accomplished stand up comics, and I am sure that some of the material used in the book originated in their on stage performances.

B-Fabs (Big Fat Ass Babes), the authors assure us are all the rage, being a B-Fab should be worn as a badge of honor, not hidden behind tent like structures!

There are so many hilarious parts to this book it is hard to pick my favorites, one story that does stick out comes from Dana of Oklahoma. Very pregnant and shopping for maternity wear in her local JC Penny store, her darling five year old daughter wants to know why she is so fat. I am having a baby she patiently explains, its a miracle growing in my tummy. The five year old contemplates this concept for a few moments and then comments “I know that mama, but whats growin’ in your butt?” Oh the joys of small children!

Laura Banks and Janette Barber tackle all sorts of everyday situations and offer sage advice for the B-Fab. For example, how to deal with competitive family eating. How can you ensure that you get your fair share in a ’serve yourself’ at the table environment? Simple, sit down 10 minutes before everyone else and sneak nibbles under the guise of helping out.

The ideal boyfriend or husband we are told, is one that does grocery shopping unasked and likes to cook.

They even offer advice on underwear for the well proportioned, thongs are OK, but bright colors are recommended. That way, in the case of a trip to the Emergency Room, they are easier for the doctor to locate.

Although this is a richly humorous book, there are threads of a deeper concept running through it. Far too many people, women in particular worry way too much about their self worth and how others perceive them. This results in low self esteem, and even depression. The message in Embracing Your Big Fat Ass is loud and clear. Live for you, not for someone else’s image of you.

A very funny read, and one that I can recommend, but I will give a word of caution to anyone thinking of buying this book as a present for their wife or girlfriend. You likely will be sleeping on the couch for a while. And I would definitely think twice about giving as a valentines gift.

With ‘true confessions’ sprinkled liberally throughout the book, you will be giggling from page 1. Although this is not a recognized genre of literature, in my mind Embracing Your Big Fat Ass falls into the ‘Bathroom Reading’ section. A book that you can pretty much open at a random spot, read a couple of pages and get a chuckle out of.

The Novelty of a Fake College Diploma

Submitted By: Emma Vasquez

Fake college diplomas have become quite the collector’s item and serve as excellent conversational pieces in many situations. Now you can choose your field of interest and level of study to secure a fake diploma that will decorate your walls and create curiousity in others to want to know where you obtained it.

It is important to remember here that this is all in good fun. You are securing these fake diplomas to have them and because they look interesting. Certainly, using a fake college diploma or transcript for a job application could land a person in a heap of trouble. Besides the illegality of use in such situations, it creates a lot of embarrassment for the individual if the truth became known that his/her education was falsified.

There are many places where you can find a novelty fake college diploma of choice for a very affordable price. When searching the Internet, make sure you visit and do business with sites offering these items just for fun. Once there, you will able to choose from a variety of majors and levels, i.e. undergraduate, graduate, PhD and so on. You can even find package deals that will include all types of diplomas and fake transcripts that will show the coursework involved in your degree of choice. You may have only studied up to the bachelor's level in Mathematics but with a fake degree, viola! You now appear to have completed your doctorate in Physics. How about those who always wanted a degree from a top business school? With a fake degree, this is now possible to achieve – and not to mention with a whole lot less work!

The next consideration is also the realism of the piece you intend to order. It should have the many features of a normal diploma issued at universities such as paper stock, quality printing, signatures, seal embossing, and color. While ordering a fake diploma is all out of fun, you should still have one realistic enough to fool your friends and family members.

Another good use of fake college diplomas is that they also make great custom gifts. Rather than settle for the ho-hum-drum kind of gift everyone can get at the nearby store, fake diplomas can be personalized with the recipient's name and choice of school. It is unique and not commonly found in many places. Whether you purchase one as a joke to give to a family member or friend or as a novelty item for someone who is a collector, there will be a diploma to meet your specific needs.

If you are a collector of unusual items you won’t often find in the homes of other collectors, you might consider purchasing a few fake college diplomas to round out your collection. Your options are endless. By surfing the Internet, you will be able to see what the various companies have to offer and in many cases, view a picture of the fake college diploma so you can get an idea of how it will look once it is framed and hanging on your wall. Purchasing such a diploma is also a great way to dress up a home office or study.

Doctor Note - Credible Medical Excuses for the Absent Employee

Submitted By: Dr. E.Z. Streat

Doctor CREDIBLE MEDICAL EXCUSES FOR THE ABSENT EMPLOYEE

Reasons for taking time off work vary. Be it a family emergency, a medical condition, a misunderstanding with a co-worker, a hangover or a much needed break from stress employees everywhere and anywhere from the supervisors down to the rank and file will always have reasons to absent themselves. Unfortunately for most companies, employees take time off from work usually for reasons that are just unacceptable in a professional environment. Most of the time the more credible excuses are medical and should come with a doctor note.

The more common and credible excuses used by employees would include the common cold or the flu. Because it is infectious in nature, employees with colds or flu are usually allowed to stay at home in order to keep co-workers from catching the virus. Those with colds and flu are usually advised a day or two of bedrest as well as medication and plenty of fluids.

Physical injuries such as sprains and muscle strains are also common medical excuses especially if it effectively prevents the employee from performing the current job. A doctor note for injuries may require some amount of home stay and rest as well as special instructions on certain tasks that employees may or may not perform. A doctor note may contain for example certain limitations in terms of the number of hours an employee can stand or as to how heavy a weight the employee can carry. These instructions would of course depend on how severe the injury is. Other related excuses would be severe back pains and other muscular pains and injuries.

Another common medical excuse that an absent employee may present in a doctor note would be intestinal or abdominal pain or discomfort, usually caused by food poisoning and diarrhea. Dehydration resulting from such illnesses can make the employee severely weak. Moreover, the discomfort can also be distracting at work and may compel you to use toilet facilities every so often. For these type of illness a doctor note may recommend another day or two rest.

Skin allergies and infectious skin diseases are also common medical excuses for absences from work. Carbuncles and boils which aside from being painful, can also infect a co-worker are valid excuses that may be placed in a doctor note. Carbuncles take a while but it will not be until its last stages that the pain will become unbearable. This entails minor surgery but will not get you off work for more than a day.

Other acceptable medical excuses are however more difficult to make up because of its severity and extent. Of course if your illness genuinely requires hospitalization then you are more than excused from work

But whatever the reason and whatever the excuse, what's more important is that you have a good doctor note to back you up. Most of the time unless employees present their doctor note, their absences incur consequences ranging from salary deductions to termination. If you're faking it a credible doctor note can be found and purchased online, complete with a hospital and clinic logo as well as physician details, contact information and signature.

The Humor Behind Shopping Smart and Buying Carhartt Clothes

Submitted By: Mike Girolami

One thing we can all agree on is that the economy is hurting all of us, especially the working people. With gas prices soaring, medications costing more than our utility bills even with insurance coverage, and the price of everything at the local supermarket jumping by leaps and bounds, we all have to be more conscientious about price than ever before. And that’s one reason why some people may be tempted to steer away from Carhartt clothes. However, there are some very good reasons why paying more now is going to be a good idea.

Cost is More than Price

When you go to the store and buy a work shirt, you aren’t just spending whatever that shirt cost. Instead, the price you pay for that shirt includes all of the gas you used to get to the store and all of your valuable time that was spent in the store, at the checkout, and waiting to pull out of the parking lot. If you look at the price in that way, you’ll realize that the fuel costs and inconvenience drive up the price of that inexpensive work shirt pretty quickly.

Now consider Carhartt clothes. You pay the price listed and that’s it. In some cases, you won’t even need to pay for shipping when you purchase through certain online retailers. Plus, you won’t have to leave your home or face all of that time-wasting inconvenience.

Think in Terms of Value

While we’re all sensitive to price these days, our real concern should be on value. Think of it this way. You could argue that going to a fast food restaurant for a $5 lunch is cheaper than buying lunch food at the supermarket. That is technically the case. However, the pack of lunchmeat, loaf of bread, and other goodies you buy for your lunch will last you an entire week – not just a single day. In the long run, you’re getting a better value from taking your own lunch. And that doesn’t even take into consideration the health factors.

Carhartt clothes are similar because what you’re getting is a better value. The clothes are protected by a warranty and are designed to last a long time not just a few months. Those rips and tears that are so common with other clothes will be a thing of the past when you spend the extra now and buy Carhartt clothes.

Extra Features Add Cost

Of course, Carhartt clothes are about more than just being durable. They are also made to be practical in the work place, including being made waterproof, and that adds to their cost. You can’t add features like that without the price being a little higher than the more stripped down competition.

Research & Improvement

Part of the price for Carhartt clothes goes to the continued research and development into new products that are going to benefit consumers and workers like you. And that’s worth spending a few more dollars.

Kinds of Excuses in Fake Doctors Notes

Submitted By: Dr. E.Z. Streat

There are all kinds of excuses used in Fake Doctors Notes. Whether you are designing your own excuse slip or shopping for one, it is important that you select the best excuse that will work for you. This page gives you some idea of what options are available.

Why can’t you use just any Fake Doctors Notes? Because not all the kinds of excuses there are may fit your case. If you are not known for a love of sports, it might not be so convincing if you told your boss you got injured in a soccer match. But if your family has a history of kidney problems and your colleagues know about it, it would seem more credible if you called in sick due to a kidney stone. So you should always choose wisely the kinds of excuses for your Fake Doctors Notes.

Here is a list of excuse slips. Note that “general” excuses need only general Fake Doctors Notes, but “specialty” excuses require more specific, custom-made excuse slips. For instance, a jury duty note has to look like a real jury duty notice and not a fake doctor’s note.

Basic Sickness Excuse. - Simple, general excuses like a sick child, diabetes, etc. will generally need only basic excuse slip.

Dentist Excuse. - Be careful with using Fake Doctors Notes based on going to the dentist. For regular checkups, dentists only require two visits a year at most. Outside of this, you will want oral surgery, gum disease or other excuse.

Ear, Nose and Throat Excuse. - Everyone knows what ENT is. If you are just feeling lazy and want to skip work or school, you can use Fake Doctors Notes and let them know you have an ear infection or something. Ear infection is a good excuse since they tend to persist for several months.

Emergency Room Excuse. - What do you do if you didn’t show up at work without giving an excuse first? Tell them you suddenly got sick and wound up in the emergency room. This is great for those unplanned absences.

Funeral Excuse. - There is not much a boss could object to if it’s the death of a loved one. While not Fake Doctors Notes, it serves the same end. Be careful with using this excuse though.

Gynecologist Excuse. - Sometimes it really helps to be a woman. You can cite all kinds of feminine health problems in your Fake Doctors Notes.

Jury Duty Excuse. - A jury duty excuse note is great for extended leaves.

Psychologist Excuse. - Is your marriage on the rocks? Do you look like someone on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Are you the “mad artist” type? Use it to your advantage. Fake Doctors Notes can be used for feigning psychological and mental problems like depression, anxiety, marriage counseling, etc.

Surgery Excuse. - Surgery excuses are good if you want to go on leave for longer periods. You can say you are going to have heart examination or surgery, if this runs in your family. To help you do this confidently, there are specialized Fake Doctors Notes complete with all the details like bar codes to make it look real.

Humour Your Way to Success

Submitted By: Nirjara Rustom

Humour (or humor, if you prefer) is the tendency to induce or provoke laughter or amusement in someone to make him or her laugh or smile, showing acceptance of amusement. The degree to which that person will find something humorous will depend on a lot of factors that include but are not limited to: age, gender, intelligence, maturity, education, culture, upbringing, geographical location, religion, context and health (physical, mental and spiritual).

There are many benefits of having a good sense of humour. Some of these are:

1. The restorative power of humor is also widely documented and can be found in many medical journals.

2. Humor is a good ice breaker when you’re meeting someone for the first time.

3. A person with a good sense of humor is more likeable and/ or lovable!

4. Humour helps you increase your social status, thus increasing your chances of making more money, getting a better job, getting more friends, getting more favors of the other gender, and increasing your influencing power dramatically!

5. If you’re really very good at humour, you can actually earn a decent income as an artist or a comedian!

6. You will significantly lower stress, one of the most common “disease” faced by most humans, with so much destruction, recession and other bad news floating around. You will also make a lot of people happy by being humorous, thus spreading goodness in the society at large.

7. You can actually take undue advantage of your humor skills by ending a fight or disagreement with someone where it’s your fault! If you do this, do also have the courtesy of admitting and apologizing for your fault.

I’m sure you will now agree that having a good sense of humor is almost necessary. However, there are some “dos” and “don’ts” also which, while seem common sense, are ignored by many. Some of these don’ts are:

1. The context of the situation is very important when you crack a joke or punch line. You don’t want to crack one to relieve someone in depression whose near and dear one has just died (obviously). Take it slow.

2. Be very careful when speaking something risqué which uses adult, profanity or double entendre. Don’t do this in front of children. Yes, they understand more than you think. And if they don’t, they’ll probably ask the meaning to someone in unwanted surroundings and cause embarrassment. Don’t even do this in front of an audience which does not approve of it, especially in a work environment where you could even get fired or sued. I’ll leave it to you to make your own judgment on what fits in your group. Better warn them before you speak, and evaluate the reactions before you begin such humour.

3. Never use jokes or stories which disparage individuals or particular groups. The effect could be more of a negative stance than a positive one. A joke that reflects on the performance of particular people might not be accepted as a friendly joke. For example, a joke about short guys just might get shorties in the group thinking as if it was pointed at them.

4. Never start off on a great joke when you end up stumbling for the main punch line. Your built up anticipation will only make you a pathetic joker, so remember to prepare the delivery in your mind before you start.

Having got the important tips out of the way, here are some tips to excel in humor:

1. Keep them simple enough for most people to understand. There’s no point explaining a joke, it will only create a dull fizzle, at most.

2. If the joke is aimed at yourself, you reduce the risk of embarrassment drastically.

3. Speak at a normal pace. Most people tend to speed up the delivery either to get to the punch line or are uncomfortable being the center of attraction. This tends to goof up the joke big time.

4. Be prepared in advance. If you’ve learned and practiced your delivery you wont have butterflies in your stomach, or maybe just a few.

5. Learn to breathe. Some people in their excitement forget to breathe and try to get along with less oxygen; which is actually required in a greater quantity. So take a few deep breaths before you begin your delivery.

6. A good idea would be to note down real life funny instances as and when you come across them and add some good ones when you read somewhere. They try to make small changes and a bit of customization to suit the group. Don’t crack jokes like a parrot out of a joke book, they’re quite common and people will either sneer or laugh at you.

7. Create groups of jokes and target them at niche groups. So when in an IT savvy group, use computer related jokes. So on and so forth.

8. Finally, be yourself and let the joke or story flow naturally. Don’t sound like a recorded or canned message.

Humour your way to success; you’ll get a positive addiction to it!

Enjoy Political Humor -- The Legacy of an Open Society

Submitted By: Peter Garant

George Bernard Shaw once said, “The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.” Well, at least there are a lot of material for political humor. Even if the global economy is practically crashing down around everyone, people can always enjoy political humor.

Understanding the Humor in Politics

People enjoy political humor because it is something that everyone can relate to. The public generally blames the government for everything, so everyone basically appreciates humor in politics. In truth, this particular source of hilarity is almost always delivered in a satire-like fashion. It is generally amusing and it does not disregard the real issue. In fact, it addresses whatever political issue is at hand. To fully appreciate and enjoy political humor, however, you should not regard it as an attack on a particular statesman or politician. Adopting this kind of thinking or attitude will prevent you from really appreciating this type of humor.

Instead of regarding it as an attack, think of it as a personal observation of the person delivering the satire-like lines. After all, underneath the surface humor lies the intent to bring forth an issue to promote change. If you are a politician and you have found yourself a favorite subject, you should consider the truth beneath the jokes and deal with it. Usually politicians who have kept an upright image of themselves are difficult subjects, so comedians generally avoid adopting them as topics.

Humor and Politics – They Go Hand in Hand

You can never have politics without a dash of humor. Political humor is not a new concept. Comedy in politics has been around for centuries. In fact, it is as old as politics itself. An example of ancient sense of humor is Lysistrata, a Greek play written by Aristophanes.

Political humor is actually a legacy of a free society. Unfortunately, there are still some countries that do not allow political ribbing and attempt to limit jokes. For example, Italian televisions are controlled by the government, so people cannot wholly enjoy political humor. A visiting dictator once asked former President Bill Clinton why he didn’t just arrest individuals who questioned and criticized the then President’s poor judgment. Fortunately, for comedians, the United States adheres to free speech.

Modern Political Comedy

Comedians are fairly inventive now days when it comes to this kind of humor. And now more tahn ever people truly enjoy political humor when they hear the jokes while they go about their business. They also appreciate political jokes more when they can relate to the comedian’s sentiments. This type of humor is fairly common during the election period. The comedians are at the top of their form dishing out satire after satire.

Political satire, however, varies from one comedian to another because the views of these people vary. The jokes will depend on how a comedian regards a particular official or the government itself. Nowadays, it is easy to enjoy political humor. Irreverent movies are practically flaying politicians alive.

Political humor exists in order to prevent the hubristic tendencies of politicians from developing. This particular humor has been around for centuries and as long as people enjoy the right to speak their mind, they will always enjoy political humor.

The Santa Suit - Fighting Against Gas Fireplaces

Submitted By: C. Agee

When the news broke late last week that North Pole Incorporated, (NYSE: NPLI) was filing suit against most of the world's gas fireplace manufacturers, the shock was palpable. With Christmas just around the corner, this debate about fireplaces has taken the world by storm.

During a press conference, Lester Elfberg, Chief Legal Counsel for North Pole laid out his company's grievance. "We at North Pole take Christmas very seriously, for obvious reasons. For centuries our company has had a mutually beneficial agreement, with the manufacturers of fireplaces, known as the Claus Accord. The current trends towards gas fireplaces that depend on either direct-vent or ventless systems are in obvious breach of this agreement. North Pole wishes to make it clear, we are not suing to prevent people from buying these fireplaces, rather we are suing for a safe alternative. This is about North Pole's relationships with our customers and the health of our beloved CEO."

The suit itself includes allegations of discrimination, breach of contract, and unsafe working conditions. The crux of the case hinges on whether or not North Pole's celebrity CEO, Santa Claus, is able to make use of gas fireplaces during the company's annual holiday celebration. A member of one of the manufacturing companies, speaking on a condition of anonymity due to the pending trial, had this to say, "We all take Santa's safety very seriously. But let's face facts; this is North Pole trying to tell us how to do our jobs. The man in red has no problem getting into apartments without fireplaces."

A commercial, traced to the public action group People for Affordable Fireplaces, titled "Scrooge" paints a rather unflattering picture of Santa. The commercial, which a majority of fireplace manufacturers have come out against, alleges that Santa is seeking to profit from the increased sale of affordable gas fireplaces by forcing chimneys, driving a wedge between those who can afford a fireplace, and those who must go without. As the commercial states "Just because you can't afford a chimney, doesn't mean you can't afford a fireplace. Don't let Santa be a fireplace Scrooge."

Pro-Santa supporters have been reacting to both the suit and the commercial with unwavering support for the man with the trademark laugh. "Look, Christmas is hard work. Santa has to fly all over the world and deliver presents. He's got to juggle a huge list of who's been good and who hasn't, and all he asks for in return is for houses to have a chimney a certain width! What's so wrong with that?" asked mall Santa, and pro-Santa pundit Jeffery Kerns of NorthPoleOhio.com.

The argument is quickly spreading, occupying the television, the internet, and the editorial sections of newspapers across the country. Several malls in America have had protestors removed for causing a scene. Fake fireplaces, complete with chimneys, are looking like they might become this year's hottest lawn decoration. But, there is one noted area of silence – Santa himself. Notorious for his privacy, Mr. Claus has let his legal counsel handle all of the public relations regarding the case. With him not talking, it seems like the world will have to wait until this case sees trial before we learn the truth – are gas fireplaces a danger for Santa?

With looming fears over the current and future states of Christmas, over the safety of perhaps the world's most beloved man, it's easy to lose perspective. While collecting quotes for this story, I stopped a six year old girl named Jenny, to ask her if she was worried. Her answer was a simple no. When I asked her why she felt that way, she responded with perhaps the most profound statement a person could utter regarding this very complex and heated argument, "Because I've been good."

In this, the age where it's Pro-Chimney versus Pro-Affordability, Tradition versus Technology, it's easy to lose sight of what really matters. To Santa, according to one very wise six year old, it's not what kind of fire place you have that should matter, but rather whether you've been good. So be good for goodness' sake

Best April Fool's Day Pranks Online For 2009

Submitted By: Shelah Jenkins

It's not too early to start. The best pranksters know that preparation is key to a successful prank. In fact, a lot of these pranksters take extra time and effort to ensure that their pranks happen without a hitch. Whether your motive is revenge, hatred, or boredom, pranks are a good way to get back at people who've done something to you or those whom you don't like very much. Or, if like a lot of pranksters, you have a lot of time and energy to spare, then you should definitely pull a really good online prank.

For The Uninspired

Surfing the net is a good way to look for pranks. There are several websites where users or commenters suggest pranks or talk about them. If you're still too lazy, you can just download online pranks and follow instructions that come with what you downloaded. One of the best resources for pranks is Zug.com. The site is dedicated to the art of comedy and to pranks and has several prank stories that could inspire you to pull a stunt of your own.

Strange Red Button

For someone you know is curious and is not supposed to be doing stuff other than work, this is the best prank. The added bonus is that the red button can be seen from a couple of cubicles away so you can watch your victim try several times. Just Google the term “strange red button”. To make it funnier, hide a video camera to record your victim's facial expression.

Yellow Journalism

If you have a talent for creating a webpage for a short period of time, then you won't have a hard time doing this one. Create a page with strange facts and stories about someone you want to prank and make it look like he or she actually created the page. Create an email account and use it to send the new website to your victim. You could attach a note that summarizes the site a bit.

For Those Like to Watch

If you're not the type who likes to plan something elaborate for the sake of a prank, you could just compile the latest prank videos or prank contests online. Hey, It's almost as good as a prank, right? Besides, you won't get a vendetta for this one. Or, this could be a prank itself. laugh hysterically during lunch break and tell them about this prank you saw or read and promise to share the site. Send your co-workers a link that says “awesome pranks” but have these links lead to something scary or very very strange: think two girls in a cup.

There are several pranks that you could pull with some thinking and a lot of motivation. Just remember: the bigger the idea, the harder the prank would be to pull. Then again, Herculean efforts reap huge rewards and in the worl of pranks, nothing is more rewarding than the helpless laughter, disbelief, and desperate screaming of your prank victim.

Outdoor Surveillance Cameras and Outdoor Party Bloopers

Submitted By: Nahshon Roberts

It's still freezing outdoors but you're already dreaming of your summer garden wedding. You have installed your outdoor surveillance cameras to boost your wedding videos and you can't wait to catch all the fun but more than recording the merry-making your cameras can alert you to impending disasters.

The lighter side of those outdoor surveillance cameras

Fortunately, it's not always about illegal break-ins that your outdoor surveillance cameras are going to record. You've seen those usual everyday things; you have spotted the faithful postman delivering snail mail to your mailbox and the neighbor's mongrel peeing on your perfectly manicured lawn. Sometimes, when the cameras detect some motion you rush to the PC screen only to see that crazy dog again, peeing on your rose bush.

These scenes are nothing out of the ordinary. Wait until your garden wedding. You'll be seeing something else and lots of it. Here are the common party bloopers that are likely to be witnessed by your outdoor surveillance cameras:

A wedding cake disaster. When all eyes are on the bride and the groom, nobody's watching the crazy dog dragging the lacy tablecloth off the fancy laid table and the fabulous wedding cake with it. It will be too late to save the cake. Now that you know this may happen, have someone keep an eye on the CCTV monitor and instruct the caterer to have someone keep an eye on that crazy dog.

Bridesmaid dramas. There's no telling when bridesmaids get their act up. Even if they're not making the drama obvious, the outdoor surveillance cameras will catch them gossiping and making faces. If someone scoots over to tell you something nasty is going on with your bridesmaids, call their attention away from the trouble. Request those good-looking stalwarts to dance with each of the belle and to keep them company.

Flower girl tantrums. This may or may not happen to your. But if it does, it will be all over the monitors. The only thing good about this? You can show tape to the little girl after the wedding and enjoy your just rewards.

Sloshed best man. With all the booze the night before, the best man is still trying to recover his bearings. If you don't watch out, he might be puking all over the place. The moment those outdoor security cameras catch him snoozing have someone take the poor fellow to a room where he can snore happily away. Reserve that recriminations for later.

Exploding glass bowls. Floating candles and the punch can create fireworks. If caught on security cameras this could be your favorite topic for years to come. The pyrotechnics can be scary, so have someone watch your centerpiece.

Gate crashers. You cannot avoid them, but you can be sure they were not invited. When you go over the recording and the guest list, they sure weren't invited. Instead of marching them off, let someone give them a drink and some hors d oeuvres. Be the gracious hostess. You don't want to catch yourself on video - a screaming virago. Not a good memory from your garden wedding, huh?

These are just a few of the wedding party bloopers that might be captured by your outdoor security cameras if you are not careful. So plan and arm the army against these disasters.

3 Things to Know About Laughing Your Happy ASS to the Bank!

Submitted By: Jason Glover

Hello,

Most people have a hard time making people laugh… Doing Stand-Up Comedy is very hard and take a lot of practice to become good. But you probably don’t want to be a Stand-Up Comic, but you do want to Make A Lot Of Money and Have Fun doing it…Right? ( I do Stand-Up too )

Laughter is the Key to bringing in the Riches!

Most Sales People you run into just try to sell and jam stuff down your throat! They usually never find out who they are really talking to… don’t be one of these guys or gals!

These are a few things I use that help make for a great conversation and then turn into a Sale!

1) I always ask first… “Are you having fun today”? and say it with enthusiasm… This always gets the person telling you what kind up mood they are in. This is important so you know what direction the conversation needs to go to… Are they in a good mood or bad mood, etc…

2) Mirror the person you are talking to… You probably heard this before but it works! If that person is talking slow, you talk slow…if that person is talking fast you talk fast. Mirror their energy if you can…If they are way too depressed then there isn’t any hope for them and don’t bother! You get the point right… Happy Happy

3) Smile… Check yourself to make sure you are smiling when you are talking to a prospect. When I used to teach inside sales people how to get there sales up, I had them put a Mirror on their desk to see themselves on the phone… It made them smile and give energy to the person on the phone, and that person can feel the energy too and will buy from you more. If you are in person you probably don’t want to bust out your mirror!

I always try to make people laugh while talking to them… tell them a story about your kid (if they have kids) or a trip you went on that turned out to be so horrible it makes them laugh at your misery! If someone can relate to you better by one of your stories they will feel like they can trust you better and will buy from you….

Facts Tell, Stories Sell… Try to stay away from boring your prospect with a bunch of facts on what it is that you are selling (this widget or solution is the best, look at theses features...blah blah blah) Tell a story about your solution or service, something personal. People like to hear what happened to someone else, it's the 3rd party validation that makes your sale golden!

Hopefully you liked some of the things I have said. If so, I have many other techniques that have helped me and many others make thousands of dollars online and I can show you how to use them to build your business.

Hiring a Keynote Speaker

Submitted By: A Nutt

Most businesses and organizations hire a keynote speaker to deliver a fresh view point. Their purpose is to encourage a sense of team work and breathe new life into a business. You can find a keynote speaker for just about every type of field such as sales, health, business management, information technology, and so much more.

A keynote speaker tends to be an expert in the area that he or she is giving a presentation. They deliver presentations designed to motivate people to look at situations in a new and different light. They also reveal different methods of increasing profitability. The goal of a presentation is to stimulate new thought and creativity.

Before enlisting the services of a keynote speaker, you have to make sure that the session will coincide with a company's needs and values. The following list outlines a number of considerations to be aware of before hiring a keynote speaker.

1) Consider why you are hiring a speaker. Some reasons why companies and organisations arrange for speaking events include: motivate, educate, entertain, promote an organisation, change unwanted behavior, and much more.

2) Consider what type of presentation you want delivered. Two forms of presentations include addressing an audience and holding a workshop. You need to have an idea of what you want viewers to learn from the experience. A speaker who does not tap into the particular issues and concerns of the viewers will not be successful. The speaker should have experience and have an understanding of the particular business or organisation. A good speaker will encourage questions and ideas as well ask for feedback. You want the viewers to be engaged. For instance, a morning address is usually more energizing.

3) Ask if any tools such as overhead projectors or power point presentation will be used. If too much time is spent using these types of tools, the viewers may get bored and tune out. A balance between using presentation devices and speaking directly to the audience is more beneficial.

4) Prior to the event, talk to the speaker about your company and audience. Explain what you are hoping to achieve from the presentation. Provide details about the room, the number of people attending, and the introduction of the speaker. Be sure to let your speaker know what you expect in a presentation. Ask if they follow a philosophy or guideline that incorporates entertainment and professionalism.

5) Make sure the information that is going to be presented is current. Old or out dated information is useless for a business. You also do not want the speaker to sound like a salesperson. Quality speakers will have proof of their expertise. This can be in the form of books, audiotapes or CDs, articles or stories in newspaper columns, magazines, business journals, and appearances on the radio or television.

6) If you have hired previous speakers, consider which ones were successful. Think about what your viewers liked about the presentation. You can even ask viewers what they liked best about a particular speaker.

7) Asking for references is a great way to find out if a speaker is good.

8) Think about your viewers' needs. Make sure the speaker will appeal to the audience. For instance, consider such aspects as age and gender. An audience that consists of only women may relate better to a female speaker.

9) After the event, ask viewers for feedback so you can determine if it was a productive session. This will allow you to improve future presentations. You should also discuss the event with the speaker to see if any improvements are needed.

Keynote speakers can be an asset to any company and organisation. Asking the right questions and imparting your vision will result in an educational, entertaining, and memorable event